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Post by Raven on Jun 2, 2019 20:45:51 GMT
Hi Fastball fans! Welcome to the all new game magazine brought to you by Raven Fastball Club and it’s affiliates! We have gathered together the top editors and writers and general fastball wit to bring you this amazing and positive stance on the upcoming seasons games with, as you might have guessed, a positive, shimmery, vat of goodness and all round forward thinking.
There will be spelling mistakes, there will be blatant disregard, there will be epic proportions of encouragement and high notes all round. You may feel that the entire thing is sarcasm defined. And you may be right. Or you may not be. We couldn’t possibly put thoughts into your minds. For you are individuals. With minds of your own. There can be no controlling you. For you are truly free. No one could make you think a single thought merely by giving you the opportunity to read texts given out with secret motives. Or to persuade you to buy overly expensive clothing and technology just by continually showing you images of how popular they are. No! You are your own persons! You won’t be held to ransom by “The Man”.
We sincerely hope you enjoy this seasons best and most well thought of magazine.
Our Balls Are Always Shiny.
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Post by Neverwinter on Jun 2, 2019 22:21:03 GMT
Brimming with enthusiasm to read the first issue  <<<<< positively brimming. |
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Post by Oceans Seven on Jun 7, 2019 16:57:49 GMT
Ummmm Yeeah  |
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Post by Raven on Jun 12, 2019 14:58:20 GMT
Good afternoon fans of sport! Fans of entertainment. Fans of Fans! And of course Fans of the greatness that is Fastball. As the eve of the new season approaches the teams are all looking in good shape. Exciting times ahead as new players spread their wings and old talents rise once again in a bid to claim the rare and ultimate prize in competitive sport. Yes that’s right, an all clear from the drugs tests. That’s the Russians out then.
Will the new players from our own shores prove their worth in an ever increasing international campaign, and will the young players fit into the more seasoned squads? If you’re as keen to get this season started as we are here at The Roost’s editing suite then quite frankly we will all have to hold onto our hats!
In a mere 25 hours we will get the first glimpses of supremacy and of utter devastation. There will be surprises. There will be red cards. There will be no empty beds at the Raven medical centre. And there will surely be the generous share of mouth watering pasties from the Night Fury catering team. Maybe this time hand them out to the fans instead of the players yeh?
We shall see you on the other side of the night before the morning after.
Remember fans, Our Balls Are Always Shiny
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Post by Raven on Jun 13, 2019 17:53:09 GMT
What a fantastic opening set of games to kick off our fastball season. Raven start their campaign with a win and look so powerful their opponents deep had to leave 25 minutes in. That’s how good the new team look! White Falcon see the first big injury this season but look on the bright side, he will be well rested upon his return.
It’s amazing to think that just two weeks ago the majority of the players we saw entertaining us today were either on holiday or temping at Pontins.
Now look at them! Gracing our pitches with their flair and style. No new kits this season as of yet so the British economy is safely in its usually state of disarray.
Spoilt little kids will have to wait a bit longer to subtly beg their hard working parents to fork out for a badly made T-shirt with their favourite players name scrawled on the back in felt tip. It’s always worth it though because it reminds them of all they could achieve in their lives. They too might one day become so morally weak that they will give in to their unplanned offspring and their material desires. They could even play for a fastball team themselves! Dreams can come alive in this life if we really believe. All we have to do is work harder than anyone else. Then when we are tired, we sleep. And then when we sleep we dream. And in that place of slumber, we can dream that our dreams come true.
Here’s to the season!
And if your clouds doth turn a greyish hue, remember Our Balls Are Always Shiny,
even for you.
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Post by Raven on Jun 21, 2019 7:54:39 GMT
Good Morning The World! We do hope you slept well and a grand total of zero nightmares were had. So yesterday saw Imperial's best win since the new manager took over all them years ago. New guy Ben Taffeston had a blinder of a game. That's blinder as in kinder not blinder as in Tinder. Their opponents clearly tried their very best and we offer our deepest condolences to them. We are sure with a bit more practice they will rise to the occasion next time. Without the need for a little blue tablet.
Raven had a brilliant game against Lethal Rage who turned up on mass for the shootout. The Roost's new squad certainly looks up to scratch this season so far. Fans were amazed when they heard the final result. It wouldn't have come as a surprise but the lack of doors in the new stadium meant they had to listen to the match via a little cup pressed against the wall.
We would like to give some encouragement to all the Championship teams that didn't manage to win yesterday. Because it's really important in this sport to look after the little teams that are just trying to scramble up to our standards. You are all great. With some hard graft and early nights, you'll soon see your performances get better and better. One day, teams like White Falcon and Oceans will seem like mere mortals to you. It's ok that right now they are daunting for you. That's just natural. Raven would like to extend a hand to help you up the ladder but unfortunately both hands are firmly gripped around our balls. But I doubt you need help with your brilliance just bubbling under the surface. One day you will get that deep you're looking for. One day all your crazy transfers will win you the league title. Just hang in there little guy. It'll be ok. And we support you.
If your feeling dirty, and a little grimey, remember,
Our Balls Are Always Shiney
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Post by Viper on Jun 21, 2019 10:12:42 GMT
You'll be needing the hand up next week after Viper wipes the floor with you!
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Post by Raven on Jun 21, 2019 11:36:47 GMT
It is always good to be seen as useful. So if you have dirty floors we are always happy to help.
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Post by Raven on Jun 27, 2019 20:49:52 GMT
Aaaahhhhh Fastball fans. What a pleasure it is to be writing to you once more. A fabulous day for our teams today it has to be said but everyone really played their little hearts out. They really did. With our new deep at The Roost climbing to the top of the top scorers table we really feel that maybe finally the tides have turned for our championship boys. But it’s the second half of the season that really matters so let’s look ahead to then where with a little hope and a lot of encouragement, we should see a similar story. Looking ahead is always important in life. No matter where you are. But as the lads on the titanic witnessed, its not just about looking ahead but also realising what it is you are looking at. There may be a little hurdle in front of you that would seem easy to overcome when actually it’s a fecking monster of a ice berg where most of it is hiding from you just ready to totally ruin your life.
You see, it’s always great to look ahead. It’s really beneficial. I had a long study of why a frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.
So all was explained.
It’s great to see players large and tiny, notice,
Our Balls Are Always Shiny
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Post by Raven on Jul 6, 2019 18:28:48 GMT
So, this week saw Raven and Imperial sit at number two in their respective tables. A grand feat I think you’ll agree. Being a number two has a lot to offer. A large number two for instance is a great way of widening the gap. A quick number two is always a bit of a surprise but can sometimes be a relief if followed up by reaching a number one. Sometimes a number two can sting a bit but usually this will have a valid reason behind it so more often than not is deserved. The perfect number two is one that lasts a long time without interruption or pain. That is achieved without tears or mess. We hope our number twos last long enough for at least a good social media troll or long google search episode. Of course we also look up to those doing a number one. Rising above everyone else and often leaving little splashes of brilliance around their persons and sometimes other persons. Of course for those not being able to get a number one or number two we find there are ways of getting there if you can quench your pride and just ask for some help. There are creams and tablets available and also we suggest plenty of liquids and a strong curry.
We value your attention and we pray your woes are tiny
To make you smile, don’t forget;
Our Balls Are Always Shiney
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Post by Oceans Seven on Jul 7, 2019 16:31:22 GMT
Ear gezzah, Is it me or are you starting to sound more and more like "DEADPOOL" on every post? like   |
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Post by Raven on Jul 14, 2019 8:22:17 GMT
Hello one and all! We do hope you are well! It is a wondrous achievement being so high up the table and still having minus points in goal difference! A true wonder we think you’ll agree. One bad match and you slide down the table like it was a greased up pole. We mean a friction reduced metal tube not a lubricated Eastern European compatriot. Of course in this slippage there was always going to be a Silver Lining! There is always a Silver Lining my friends. Even when the sky is dark and bed is empty, there is always a Silver Lining. In this instance for example we can now see clearly who our main rivals are for this seasons fight. We can see better the weaknesses from below and above us. You see from the top you can only gaze down at the shiny heads of those directly below you, however from a little further down you can not only gaze on the badly cut hairstyles of those underneath you, but also look straight up the shorts of those above you and calculate the size of their weak spots. This, my friends, is what Raven shall be doing now.
In the other leagues we see Leviathan holding on to some sort of table position. With a few changes afoot it shall be a truly interesting and hypnotic fastball masterclass that will see them succeed more than your average budgie.
When your kids are mean, and your wife is whiny,
Remember Our Balls Are Always Shiny
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Post by Admin on Jul 15, 2019 9:41:37 GMT
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Post by Raven on Jul 22, 2019 9:09:35 GMT
A happy Monday to you all Fastball Fans! Another great week of frantic fastball fanatics and another win for our lads at the roost. There was only one surprise for us all this week as Oceans made an incredible stand against Psycho Zen meaning they jump above them in the table. Raven creep slightly higher also after numbing the anger from the Rejects. Its so heart warming to see a team previously under the dark cloud of one players success, now enjoying a drug free game and proving that you can score just as many goals and be a thoroughly nice guy! We saw a Mosbauer shirt come up for sale the other week on a well known internet auction website. Rhymes with T bay.
It ended up selling for £2 and £26 postage and packaging as it was going to someone overseas who needed a new Dog bed lining and just liked the white and red speckled effect on the shirt produced by months of powder abuse. I am sure the little doggo will enjoy whatever is left of the talc.
We spent a little time with Owen Baldwin last week and he really does seem like a nice guy. He asked us if we wanted to leave which is really sweet cuz usually we are just thrown out. It just goes to show that a little politeness goes a long way. And his goal tally is creeping up with every game. A true front man and one the other teams are sure to be eyeing up. We have already seen Jamie Wolf loitering around our training facilities. Its so nice to have fans within the sport. Who get so excited they have to keep at least one hand shaking in their pockets at all times. We think the eye rolling and knee shaking are just signs of true adoration for a player of Baldwin's talents. And its nice to see. Most players are jealous or aggressive when a new player starts making waves in the game. But not Mr Wolf. He just hangs around in a cold sweat asking when Owen is arriving on site and which locker is his and can he borrow his short and all other nice things like that.
There is still room for a little more adoration in this game folks.
The love is short and the patience is tiny
but Our Balls Are Always Shiny
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Post by Raven on Jul 29, 2019 15:38:32 GMT
Good afternoon Fans!
We are so blessed to be writing to you once again. Another week swoops by, leaving more zephyrs of brilliance in its wake. A slim, streamlined cloud of goals, tackles, broken bones and more joyous circumstances. Raven find themselves precariously perched on the thin wire of 8th place. Above them towers those who have by pure luck achieved some form of early glory. Whose matches have barely resembled that of class and entertainment but more so, brutality and fluke. However, they are all well deserving of their places of course.
Below Raven, who cling to the tight rope of 8th place so willingly and calmly, see those teams who by sheer determination, have kept their heads high and their narcissistic tenancies even higher.
Who by money power alone ( and a little help from the more charitable managers ) have remained in the Championship for all to judge.
This tight rope is such an honourable place to be. We know it will be short lived as soon, the Fastball tower of brilliance and luck, will come tumbling down, and rising from the ashes will not be a metaphorical day dream of a mythical, fire ridden bird, but more likely an understated, intelligent and creative feathered friend. Whose natural black coat makes the burning embers merely blend in to the background.
The rope, once used to hold Raven up, will be burned to a crisp. It drifts off slowly in the breeze. All other teams will be fighting in the rubble of misery for a glimpse at second place. While our boys fly above the championship.
Orrrrrrrrrrrr......................... the table as you see it now is a clear indication of success. All teams are giving it a mighty good go and deserve such praise. Raven will end up mid table. Again. Cushioning the blows from the top down onto those younger sides below. Like a fire blanket. Or a ball pit. A colourful protective barrier between the harsh and the trying. A glittering foamy sub-layer of sympathy. Unconditionally softening the attacks from those fortunate enough to be long in the tooth and have nothing better to do.
A happy medium if you will. Looking out for the little guys. And gals. Although we aren't to distinguish between the two.
You may be under threat from big oppositions.
Those who are feathered or scaly or spiny
But remember your friends here at The Roost,
Whose Balls Are Always Shiny
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<<<<< positively brimming.
